24 Nov The Lure Of Forbidden Fruit
Enrichment Lesson
It’s not the mistakes we make but the lessons we learn.
Why is it that what we can’t have suddenly seems to be more desirable?
I had an affair with a married man once, well actually twice but the second one doesn’t count because….well that’s another story.
I met Mr Desirable at work. I didn’t even like him. I thought he was arrogant as well as powerful. Eventually this proved to be an irresistible combination.
I knew well before the affair began that he was attracted to me. He once made a clumsy attempt at a pass. The day after I fronted him and said, “What was last night about? Did you want to sleep with me?” “No no,” _he said, “ I don’t know what I was thinking, please just forget about it.”_
For the next six months he would ring me every day on the pretext of a business matter. Then one night we had gotten together for a drink, before a work function. Just as we were finishing up, he grabbed my arm and said to me “I have to ask you something,” I knew what was coming, “Did you want to sleep with me that night?” I paused for an endless moment, looked him straight in the eye and said, “Do you want me to be as honest with you, as you were with me, or do you want me to tell me the truth?”
That was the moment our affair began, although I didn’t succumb to the temptation of the forbidden for another 3 months of relentless pursuit. For me the sex was never as exciting as the promise of the unknown potential. After the first time we slept together I snuggled up beside him and said, “Well I am glad we finally got that out of the way!” For him the sex was amazing. We were both focused on the same thing his sexual satisfaction.
I was shocked at how easily I slipped into the role of mistress. Prior to this, If you had of asked me if I would ever contemplate an affair with a married man, my answer would have been an emphatic _No! _
I don’t think it’s ever to late to rectify our mistakes. The mistake I made, was not in sleeping with him. It was in continuing to do so for the next 7 years. During that period of time we would argue a lot, break up a lot and then inevitably reconcile. He was a magnet I could not resist. The ramifications of our affair were huge: I chose to turn down an extremely lucrative promotion in the company and seek employment elsewhere. I left the country. His marriage broke down, causing much distress to his wife and three children. He decided that he didn’t love me after all.
Some four years after his divorce we reconciled, but our relationship was doomed to failure. Neither of us had the courage to commit. Eighteen months after we broke up for the last time, I was diagnosed with cancer.
Eventually through therapy and the bitter disappointment of my ex not being able to support me during my journey, I was left with no option but to look at our relationship with my eyes wide open. Although we were no longer romantically involved, I thought he would be there as my friend, as the person who knew me better than anyone else.
If it wasn’t for the cancer, I am not sure I would have ever have finally been free of the hold I allowed him to have of over me. I had questioned many times whether he really loved me, but I had taken for granted the fact that I was deeply, passionately and madly in love with him. I had to be. _Why else would I have put up with so little for so long? __Why else had I been prepared to give our relationship a second chance, despite how much he had hurt me the first time around?_
When I looked at our relationship, through the lense of Dr G’s definition of love, “A commitment to nurturing our own and another’s personal growth.” It became clear to me for the first time that I didn’t really love him. The question I needed to ask was, Why did I want to stay in a relationship with a man that was emotionally unavailable to me? Once I understood this, I was finally able to leave this relationship where it belonged, in the past.
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