Keeping It Safe

12 Feb Keeping It Safe

Enrichment Lesson
True contentment is derived from self-love and acceptance.

I am afraid of rejection, who isn’t? However the good Dr G put it to me recently that what I am really afraid of is intimacy.

There are many aspects of intimacy that frighten me; losing my individuality, letting my partner down, not being able to live up to their expectations or meet their emotional demands, being misunderstood and so the list goes on. Rejection is just one component of intimacy that I fear. It’s all about keeping it safe; keeping me safe.

I have a habit of choosing men who are emotionally unavailable to me; a sure fire, (albeit self destructive), way to avoid intimacy. It also makes rejection highly probable as the emotionally unavailable man, is eventually, always going to cut and run.I used to think that I had an indefatigable need to prove that I was impossible to love. That is why I would inevitably choose men that would abandon me. Defining myself as “impossible to love,” wrapped it up in a neat little package. The solution lay in changing me. All I had to do was make myself loveable and rejection or abandonment wouldn’t occur.

When this continued to happen, then I just hadn’t fixed myself enough; still wasn’t good enough. Talk about a self-perpetuating, destructive cycle! No one’s worth should be defined by another’s reaction to them. Poor me! If no can love me what hope is there…best just to stay single and give up trying. I suspect this is a self-fulfilling (or should that be pitying?) prophecy masquerading as “rationality.”

Does it really matter what I fear? Will naming it help me to overcome it? How much simpler but more challenging, to redefine the problem not in terms of others responses to me; but simply as my fear of someone getting close. Despite my discomfort this is not an insurmountable obstacle; as it is within my control.

Rejection sucks! How wonderful if a magic charm existed to ward of this fiend. However be it in love, career, or friendship I am certain that it will continue to tug at my insecurities. I also have no doubt that in the immortal words of Ms Gaynor, “I Will Survive!” The question to ask when this occurs isn’t “what do I do wrong?” but “what did I learn from this?”

I don’t need to look externally for the answer. The solution lies not in fixing me or making me more “loveable” but in accepting the truth that we are all ultimately alone. All I really need to do is change my perspective and accept the inevitability of the cycle of life. A far less painful process.

In embracing the concept of existentialism, I will be able to celebrate the joy of the moment in connecting with another human being, whilst detaching from my expectations about the future. My fear of intimacy, or the consequences thereof; becoming less cumbersome and hopefully, ultimately redundant.

No one can alleviate our pain and suffering. Death, time, life, causes others to leave us and we cannot control or change that. (Note to self: Hmm.. although perhaps I could make better choices?)