25 Jan Great Expectations
Enrichment Lesson
Sometimes it’s not all about me.
There is nothing like the excitement of getting caught up in the thrill of possibilities. It’s like being a child waking up on Christmas morning. Take relationships, I love that I can still get excited about a first date or a first kiss, no matter how many times in the past I have been let down. Yet once we move beyond the initial attraction, I find it hard to say or even know what I truly feel in my heart.
Instead I tend to focus on all the things that I am afraid of, all the reasons why this couldn’t possibly work. I conduct scenario analysis ad infinitum until I am exhausted and no longer living in the moment. What am I most afraid of? Rejection. I constantly seek reassurance, a tiresome and exhausting trait.
Maybe at times I need to temper my expectations, as the lower the bar, the less chance of disappointment. However I think my interests would be better served by learning to live in the moment and detaching from the outcomes. I don’t want to give up the deliciousness of dwelling in “happily ever after”, but I would like to spend less time worrying about the future and learn to be more philosophical when things do go awry.
When people let you down or disappoint you, the most important question to ask isn’t “why did you do that to me?” it is _“where do we go from here?” _ (Note to self : I would actually be better off to keep my mouth completely shut at least until I have my self saboteur under control.)
The more you expect from people the more pressure they are likely to feel and the greater the chance they will disappoint you intentionally, or otherwise. No one wants to feel pressured and no one wants to feel responsible for someone else’s happiness and nor should they.
I am not saying that it is ok for others to treat me disrespectfully or not follow through on their commitments, far from it. However the only person I need to hold accountable for their actions is me. What’s important is the way I choose to respond. Reacting out of fear and hurt can do far more damage than the initial problem, my angst eventually creating that which I am most afraid of; rejection. As a good friend kindly told me “Honey, no one wants to hug a porcupine.”
If I just stopped for a second to ask “What is going on for you?” I don’t know whether the ultimate outcome would be any different. But the path travelled would be more constructive and hopefully strewn with opportunities for growth and learning rather than an avalanche of hurt and misery. Maybe then the concept of a successful relationship wouldn’t seem so elusive.
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